There exists his short autobiographical sketch — the only one! — composed by
him for some reason and appearing in 1888 in the magazine Sever (North). We
will reproduce it in full:
"I am the son of a churchman from the village of Soursk, district of
Pinezhsk, province of Archangelsk. From very early childhood, as early as I can
remember, at the age of four or five, perhaps even earlier, my parents taught
me to pray and by their religious frame of mind made me a religiously-minded
boy. At home, in my sixth year, Father brought be a primer, and Mother began to
teach me the alphabet; but reading and writing came to me with great
difficulty, which was the cause of no little sorrow to me. I just couldn’t
master the identity between our speech and writing; in my time reading and
writing were not taught as it is now: we were all taught ‘Az’ (for ‘A’),
‘Boukee’ (for ‘B’), Vedi,’ etc., as if ‘A’ were one thing and ‘Az’ a different
thing. For a long time did this wisdom elude me, but having been taught by
Father and Mother to pray, grieving over my failures in studies, I prayed
heatedly to God, so that He would grant me understanding — and I remember how,
suddenly, it was as if a veil were lifted from my mind, and I began to
comprehend studies well. When I was ten I was taken to the Archangelsk parish
school. My father, naturally, received a very small salary, so that it must
have been terribly difficult to live. I already understood the real position of
my parents, and for this reason my inability at school was indeed a calamity. I
thought little of the significance my studies would have on my future, and grieved
especially over how Father was needlessly spending his last means to support
me.
"Left in Archangelsk completely alone, I was deprived of my parents and
had to arrive at everything myself. Among the boys of my age group in class, I
did not find, nor did I seek, support or assistance; they were all more able
than I, and I was the last pupil. Anguish took hold of me. Then it was that I
turned for help to the Almighty, and a change took place in me. In a short time
I moved forward to such an extent that I ceased to be the last pupil. The
further I went, the better and better I became in my studies, and by the end of
the courses was among the first transferred to the seminary, which I finished
first in 1851 and was sent to the Petersburg Academy on a full scholarship.
While still in the seminary, I lost my dearly beloved father, and my old mother
remained without any means of support. Right after seminary I wanted to take up
the position of deacon or psalmist so as to have the means of supporting her, but
she heatedly opposed this, and I set out for the Academy. In the Academy’s
board of administration, the position of clerks was then filled by students for
the most insignificant salary (about ten roubles a month), and I gladly agreed
to accept the offer of the Academy’s secretary to take this position, so as to
send this money to Mother. Having completed my course of studies as a candidate
in theology in 1855,1 went as a priest to Kronstadt, having married Elizabeth,
the daughter of Archpriest K.N. Nesvitsky, who is alive even to this day; I do
not have and have never had any children. From the very first day of my high
service to the Church, I set myself the rule: to regard my task of pastorship
and priesthood as conscientiously as possible, to pay strict attention to
myself and to my inner life. With this aim I, first of all, began to read the
Holy Writ of the Old and New Testaments, extracting from it all that was
edifying to myself, as a man generally and as a priest in particular. Later I
began to keep a diary, where I wrote down my battle with thoughts, with
passions, my penitent feelings, my silent prayers to God and my grateful
emotions for having been delivered from temptations, woes and tribulations.
Every Sunday and Holy Day I would deliver sermons and discourses in church,
either prepared by myself, or from the sermons of Metropolitan Gregory. Some of
my discourses have been published: ‘On the Blessed Trinity," ‘On the
Creation of the World,’ and ‘On the Gospel’s Beatitudes.’ Apart from preaching
I came to take care of the poor like myself and -about twenty years ago, in
1874 — conceived the idea of setting up in Kronstadt a "Working House for
the poor,’ and which the Lord helped to bring about fifteen years ago. — That’s
all."
That’s all! All of St. John is in this concluding exclamation — similar to
those with which he would, now and again, express the "simplicity" of
his heart during reading in church, wholly engrossing himself into what became
the subject of his attention. St. John does not see himself as separate and
apart from his life’s vocation — he is wholly in it, and for this reason he is
able to regard himself "simply" even from the outside and to speak
about himself: he is an obedient tool, and it is the Lord’s business to employ
this tool for this or that, himself being nothing more than a most ordinary
servant.
Let us look at another document which will show how St. John sees himself —
precisely in the image of a priest. This — his first sermon, delivered by him
at his first Liturgy in St. Andrew’s Cathedral in Kronstadt on the Savior’s
words: "Feed my lambs."
‘These words of the supreme Chief Pastor Christ are familiar to all of us,
my brethren, because you have not infrequently heard them during the reading of
the Gospel at all-night vigils on Saturday evenings; you also know to whom they
were said: I will repeat them as they were said to the Apostle Peter, and were
said thrice, as a sign of the threefold reinstatement of the Apostle, who had
thrice renounced his Lord. The Lord mystically addresses these same words to us
also, unworthy pastors of His spiritual flock, when He calls us, through the
medium of a bishop, to the pastoral service. The Lord’s words reached also the
ears of my own heart: 'Feed my lambs,’ commanding me to feed you, His
spiritual lambs.
"I am aware of the exaltedness of the office and the responsibilities
attached to it; I can feel my frailty and unworthiness in carrying out the
highest calling on earth, that of a priest; but I am relying on the grace and
mercy of God, healing the weak and replenishing the failing. I know what
is capable of making me more or less worthy of this office and able to carry
out this calling: it is love toward Christ and you, my beloved brethren. This
is why the Lord also, in reinstating the disciple who had renounced Him in the
rank of Apostle, thrice asked him: ‘Lowest thou Me?’ and after each one
of his answers: ‘I love Thee,’ repeated to him: ‘Feed My lambs, feed
My sheep.’
"Love is a great force: it makes even the weak strong, and the small
great, and the insignificant worthy of deep respect, and the hitherto unknown
and strange, it soon makes close and amiable. Such is the nature of pure,
evangelical love. May the Lord Who is full of love toward all grant also to me
a spark of that love; may he inflame it in me with His Holy Spirit.
"Exalted, I said, is the calling of a priest. For whose office is it?
It is Christ’s office. He is the only High Priest, the first and the last,
offering a sacrifice and being brought in sacrifice for all; He is Alpha and
Omega, the first and the last; we are arrayed with the grace of His priesthood,
He Himself officiates in us and through us. Consequently, we ourselves must
also deeply honor our office, and you, brethren, must for your own worthiness
and salvation deeply honor this office and summit to the bearers of it, being
indulgent towards their frailties and deficiencies. For although we are exalted
by our office, our nature is the same as yours, weak and subject to stumbling.
And what mortal human can fully measure up to the height and holiness of the
office of priesthood? If we are to take into consideration only one thing, that
a priest, standing before the very throne of God in an earthly church, must so
often perform the life-endowing awesome Mysteries of Christ, must intercede for
the instruction and guidance of the Church, on behalf of the whole world, for
the welfare of God’s churches in the whole universe and the unification of all
dissenters; to bring an offering of gratitude for all the saints: forefathers,
patriarchs, prophets, apostles, evangelists, martyrs, the ascetics and for all
blessed souls; to pray for the living and the dead — then what an angelic
worthiness is required for that? Is this a task for our frailty, when we, on
account of our sins, would not dare open our mouths even for ourselves, so as
to implore heavenly justice and mercy for our own sins? No: this is the work of
the highest grace, this is the work of the countless good things which Christ
has done for us. He is the Interceder and the One Who accepts intercessions.
While if we are to take into consideration also the performance of the rest of
the mysteries, particularly baptism, confession, marriage, extreme unction:
what holiness is required, what a wealth of Christ’s love, from the priest
performing these sacraments. For in all prayers and officiations, belonging to
the content of the sacraments, there breathes the spirit of God’s infinite love
toward the human race, (the spirit) of mercy, extreme condescension, sanctity and
incorruptibility.
"Yet again, there is the preaching of God’s Word, the proclaiming of
the eternal truths of the Gospel in a language readily understandable by all,
imbued with the spirit of evangelical love, so as to teach, enlighten, correct,
confirm, guide along the path leading to eternity: what a lofty and difficult
duty this is! Without a doubt, the grace of God will help us in everything, if
we will be worthy of it, and if you will try to walk in, or to live worthily
of, your lofty Christian calling. And so, here, brothers and sisters, is my
first word to you in church, with which I make your acquaintance. Accept it
with an open, straightforward and kind heart, accept me into your love, and
remember me before the Lord in your prayers, which you daily raise up to Him. I
will conclude it with an apostolic blessing: "The grace of the Lord
Jesus Christ, and the love of God the Father, and the communion of the Holy
Spirit be with you all. Amen.’"
After twenty-five years, St. John was greeted in the same church, when a
precious cross was given to him. He replied to his flock thus:
‘Thank you for having regarded my frailties with benevolence. Yes, I am
replete with frailties; I know my frailties, but the power of God is perfected
in weakness, and it was wonderfully perfected in me during my twenty-five
years’ service in the priesthood, and, I dare say — for I’ll be telling the
truth — through me it was perfected in many simple believers in an evident,
palpable manner. Glory be to grace! Glory be to the Lord Jesus Christ, Who
has granted us grace upon grace! I am telling you about this power of God
in me so that you will, together with me, praise our great God and Savior Jesus
Christ, Whose grace and mercy has not grown weaker even now, as it will not
grow weaker until the end of time, which was performed within me every day and
many times a day by Christ’s grace. I cannot estimate the countless multitude
of snares of the prince of the world and attacks of passions, destroyed by the
grace and power of Christ within me, by my silent prayer of faith, on account
of heartfelt confession and especially through the power of Divine Communion!
What angelic, all-embracing mind will count all of God’s mysterious gifts to my
soul — the blessed gifts of mercy, cleanliness, blessedness, enlightenment,
peace, tender emotion, freedom and spiritual breadth, joy in the Holy Spirit,
the audacity and strength and multifarious aid, which I invisibly received
throughout all the days of my service. I cannot count the innumerable blessed
healings — spiritual and physical, performed by the Lord within me through the
heartfelt calling of His wonderful name. Glory be to God our Savior! He sees
that I am not falsely sending up to Him this glory. Only by Him and of His Name
am I glorious, while without Him — dishonorable; only by Him powerful, while
without Him — infirm; with Him holy, without Him — replete with sins; with Him
I dare, without Him I am cowardly; with Him I am meek and humble, without Him I
am irritable and not blessed. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt
His Name together..."
Considerably later, on his seventieth birthday on October 19, 1899, St.
John, casting his mind back and again recalling the words of the Apostle that
the power of God is perfected in weakness, said:
"Who of those who knew me in childhood could have thought that I would
live to be over seventy, which (age), according to the Prophet, represents the
extreme limit of the life of man, this earthly wanderer? I grew up sickly,
weak, and in my very infancy a severe illness, smallpox, almost brought me to
the grave — I was a hair’s breadth away from death, to use the apt expression.
The Lord preserved my life — I recovered and began to grow. When the time was
ripe for me to begin my schooling — I was brought to school, studies were
unintelligible to me — I had not been prepared for them at home; I had to
arrive at understanding and learning by myself; I was aware of and felt my
helplessness, jealousy regarding the successes of my classmates — and began to ask
for help and understanding from God, Who gives to all men liberally and
upbraideth not (James 1:5), in the words of St. James the Apostle — and the
Lord opened my mind: I was enlightened by Divine Light, reading and writing
became clear to me, and I began to advance in my studies in proportion to my
age and the educational aim. But even then, during studies, how many illnesses
I had to experience!
"In poor physical health, I completed three educational and
instructional schools: lower, middle and high, gradually forming and developing
three spiritual forces: the mind, heart and will, as the image of a tripartite
soul, created in the image of the Holy, Life-creating Trinity. The highest
Church school, which is known as the Theological Academy, had a salutary
influence upon me. Theological, philosophical, historical and various other
studies, widely and deeply taught, clarified and widened my contemplation of
the world, and I, by the grace of God, began to delve into the depths of
theological contemplation, coming to know more and more the depth of God’s
grace, which has created all things wisely, beautifully, beneficently, having
subjected all creatures to firm, vital harmonic laws; my mind and heart were
especially captivated by the wise and wonderful plan for the salvation of the
perishing human race through the Divine Lamb of Jesus Christ, which toketh
away the sin of the world (St. John 1:29); the religious feeling, which was
instilled within me by my devout parents, developed and grew stronger. Having
read the Bible with the Gospel and many works of Chrysostom and other ancient
Fathers, as well as the Russian Chrysostom, Philaret of Moscow, and other
Church orators, I felt a special attraction to the calling of a priest and
began to implore the Lord that He would grant me the grace of priesthood and
pastorship of His human flock. Contemplating the wonderful plan of God for the
salvation of the human race, so full of love, I wept ample and hot tears,
burning with the desire to assist in the salvation of perishing humanity. And
the Lord fulfilled my desire. Soon after completing my formal education I was
elevated to the height of the priesthood.
"And thus I have passed forty years in this calling, offering up to God
supplications, prayers, intercessions and giving of thanks for all men, for
kings, and for all that are in authority (II Timothy 2:1-2) and offering,
almost daily, the bloodless Sacrifice, reconciling creatures with their
Creator, for the Lord has given priests the ministry of reconciliation
(II Corinthians 5:18),through which I also reconcile myself daily with the Just
Judge Who is daily angered by me, and reconcile people, averting His just
anger, which moves against us as a result of our sins, turning men away from
crooked, pernicious ways and indicating the true paths. I thank the Lord for
having given me the opportunity and faculty, through frequent Divine Services,
to learn the whole round of Church service-books, to master their wise contents
and richness of subject, their images of the greatest, saving confession of
sinners and God’s mercy toward penitents, the whole depth of theology, the full
sweetness of the hymns of praise to God and wonderful praises to the Mother of
God, love toward God and various feats of countless saints.
"I thank the Lord for having favored me with being born and raised in,
and being a priest of, the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, to be Her
member, though an unworthy one, and to have been favored with intercession for
Her before God, for I do not depend upon my own works, which I do not have, but
upon all that the Lord Jesus Christ has done for us, redeeming me from sin, the
curse and death with His Blood, upon the prayers of the Mother of God, the Holy
Angels and all the saints. They will entreat the Lord for me, and He will lead
me into His heavenly kingdom.
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